After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
