there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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