I looked at my own cervix.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
