Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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