Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
