i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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