somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
