Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
