I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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