He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Sober January is a disaster.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
