I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I can tuck mytits in my pants
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
