the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
My vagina just recognized that song.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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