so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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