Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm at about main and main street
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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