he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
