i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
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is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
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Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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