oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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