I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
