my soul wont recognize me after tonight
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
