Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You may now shotgun with the bride
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
