the day after is always just damage control
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
