i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
