how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
