Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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