just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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