I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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