i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
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tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
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I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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