I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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