Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
