My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
