Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
