I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
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They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
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I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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