My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
