I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize