you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
