So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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