the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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