Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
