I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
