I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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