nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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