I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
