Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Four minutes until I can fart!
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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