ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
