Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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