good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
