He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
