grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize