My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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