im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
