Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
