We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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