I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
