Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Text me some of your sweat
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