I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
