thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
